Session Drummer | Studio Drummer | Touring and Worship Drummer for Hire | Dale Baker | Durham, Chapel Hill, Raleigh, NC

My time in Branson, Part two:

I think I figured it out.  As far as I can tell, here is the formula for "entertainment" in Branson (rather - if your show, event or attraction has these elements, most guests will feel like they got their money's worth):

1. It must be loud.  Loudness means excitement and the louder your show, event or attraction is, the better it's going to be.  Audiences LOVE loudness.
2. It must be wet.  If your audience doesn't get wet, they won't feel entertained.  So be sure to include a water element in your show.  This can be accomplished with squirt guns, buckets of water held by clowns during a mid-morning parade (you know who you are), or any other method you prefer and/or can afford.
3. Fart Jokes.  If your attraction doesn't include numerous fart jokes, then you should seriously consider moving elsewhere.  Fart Jokes are absolutely necessary to succeed in Branson.  If you don't have at least one good Fart Joke, seriously consider hiring some professional fart joke writers.
4. Become a master of the "International Toilet Joke."  This will get them every time.  I mean it -  E-V-E-R-Y T-I-M-E.  Haven't heard of the International Toilet Joke?  Well, the punch line goes something like this:  When you come in your Russian, when you leave your Finnish, while your going -European.
5. Please include a tribute to our Military, and better yet, to our Veterans.  Ideally you'd display an American Flag and sing the National Anthem and "God Bless the USA."  However, you can be creative in how you accomplish this.  Many shows and attractions use this step as a way to increase the emotional response of the audience and so will use it as their "Grand Finale."  It's hard to top the entertainment value of the American Flag.  Not to mention the entertainment value of recognizing the men and women who risked their life to ensure we'd be free to visit places like Branson.
   
6. Lengthen your show.  So what, you only have 45 minutes of good material?  Increase your show with 45 or more minutes of filler and you'll have a QUALITY BRANSON SHOW.  My favorite time fillers are having the audience stand up and "Greet their Neighbor" and the ubiquitous "Intermission" which is just an excuse to sell merchandise and plenty of Popcorn and other treats. If you can get your show to last 3 hours or more, you'll have Shoji shaking in his boots (and if not Shoji, then definitely Dorothy -  but I'm not sure she wears the boots in that family).

Based on the qualities outlined above, my favorite attraction in Branson thus far, would have to be (drum roll please...):   RIDE THE DUCKS.  When you RIDE THE DUCKS, you ride through the streets of Branson on an open-air (see #1 above) amphibious vehicle that was originally used in World War II (see #5 above). You splash down into Tablerock Lake (see #2 above) and listen to jokes (see #3 and #4 above) mixed with informative (but not quite true -  according to my brother) banter about the town and history of Branson. 

I can't remember exactly how long my tour on the Ducks lasted,  but the seats were REALLY uncomfortable and so by the end of the tour/ ride I was a little sore, which helped me to feel I got my money's worth (Okay, so actually my Dad paid).  Regardless, physical soreness/ pain (or exhaustion from having endured a long show - see #6 above) is also a valuable quality to have when creating an entertaining Branson experience.  And for accomplishing all of the 6 points above in a creative and original way I am pleased to recommend RIDE THE DUCKS as probably the most entertaining attraction in Branson. Viva la Ducky!

My time in Branson, Part one:

While visiting family in Branson, Missouri, I found a local massage therapist and scheduled an appointment to have my shoulders, arms and back worked on.  From that experience,  I compiled this list:

Ten Signs you might not be getting a professional massage from a licensed massage therapist:

1. Your therapist is listening to her cell phone messages when she comes to meet you in the waiting room.
2. She continues to listen to her cell phone messages while attempting small talk with you on the short walk  back to the massage room.
3. After laying down and preparing yourself for a massage, the massage therapist comes back into the massage room, still listening to her cell phone messages.
4. After clearly telling the therapist where you need work (shoulders and arms), she promptly begins a full body massage only to end up on your shoulder and arms at the end of the session with the remark, "Wow, your arms and shoulder really need alot of work, unfortunately, we're almost out of time, otherwise I'd really work on these problem areas for you..."
5. During the first few minutes of the massage you hear her cell phone start buzzing in her pocket, and because she can't hear (or feel) the buzzing sound, you have to inform your massage therapist that yes, indeed her cell phone is ringing.
6. While talking on her cell phone, she continues the massage using her free hand and makes no attempt to quickly get off her phone.
7. As she is digging into your muscles, she moans and exhales in a manner fitting of a B Movie sex scene.
8. While digging into particularly tight areas, she belches and/or burps softly.
9. When asked about the burping, she says that it's the release of "bad energy" escaping from my body, transferring into her hands (and her body) and releasing through her mouth in the form of a burp.  To "prove" her point she goes back over an area that is now less tight, and yawns.  The logic being that the bad energy is now gone and the good energy is making her yawn.
10. She laughs wholeheartedly and agrees when you suggest that she is crazy.

Hear my drumming via PodCast...

You can hear me on the most recent KEXP Podcast (KEXP Presents Music That Matters Volume 2).  I'm playing with Prayers and Tears of Arthur Digby Sellers on a track we did for the Esopus Magazine.  The song is called "Lisa" and it's the third song in from the start of the Podcast (it starts at around the 9 minute 52 second mark).  Apparently this song has been getting a ton of airplay during the John Richards show (John in the Morning  on KEXP) and it's great that he would choose basically an un-signed independant artist to appear on this (the second ever) KEXP Podcast.

Download the Podcast here (update:  well - I guess it's not available yet on the site - at least it's not listed. So here is what you do:  Download the "KEXP Presents Music That Matters" podcast and then after that is done, update your podcast and you'll get Volume 2 of the KEXP podcast...yeah I know alot of work but if you don't already listen to KEXP, you should!  I think you'll dig all of the rest of the music you hear on the podcast as well...)

My trip to Branson...

So in the coming days...I'll be recounting my recent experiences on vacation in Branson, Missouri - my former home town.  My, how it's changed! 

I'll be talking about down home southern massage therapy, drunken tree climbing, good 'ole fried fish, and a magic show that featured an Austin Powers impersonator.  Branson's hillbilly heritage is fading faster than I thought it was.

Well, anyway...I thought I'd let you know what's coming up ...lots of stuff to write about!

Thought I'd let you know...

I'll be playing at Chapel Hill Bible Church this Sunday if you're interested in coming.  Wade and Kelly from the Basics will be leading worship along with a few other folks.  It should be a fun time.  See you there!

Songs and CD's to check out...

The new Dave Latham CD is out...I just received my copy and it sounds and looks great.  Dave also set up a My Space account and he's posted a few songs from the record there for you to listen to.  My drumming is featured on the album (as well as on the songs he has posted on myspace), so check it out and let me know what you think.

Also, another record I played on (The Physics of Meaning) is almost out and some of the songs I played on are posted over at their site.  They just sent off their cd to be duplicated, so that means it should be in stores very soon.  Until then, check out the songs they've posted and if you ever wanted to know what I sound like playing in 11/8 listen to this song ("Down at Columbia and Cameron").

And in other news...I'm continually fiddling with my site here (as you can probably tell) and I'm updating my Session Demo so that it's easier to play the individual songs. Plus, I've given you the option of commenting on each song...so feel free to comment on my drum playing or on the songs themselves...Check out my Session Demo page here...There are only a few songs posted for now, but in the coming days I hope to get a whole lot more posted...stay tuned...

I think this guy is on to something...

Bob Lefsetz wrote this amazing piece the other day and I quote parts of it below:

"Radio's over. The model is done. Unless iPods start coming with commercials and every Internet radio station has to have twenty minutes of ads, terrestrial radio is done. Oh, it will survive in a fashion. As a place for news and talk. But for music it's history.

OH NO, you say. It's in all those cars!

Of course radio counts today. But if you're thinking about today, you're just as dumb as the major labels. Because really, it's what's gonna happen TOMORROW!

Look at major label release schedules. It's not like the seventies anymore. If something doesn't have hit potential, it doesn't come out. Furthermore, that which DOES come out is tweaked endlessly, making it palatable for sporting events and fashion shows, but it lacks that one essential ingredient of TRUE hit music...it doesn't touch your soul.

It's all about the bottom line. And the only way to make quick bucks is to overexpose, pay for play EVERYWHERE! (Yeah, like the Spitzer settlement is really going to stop this, the money/game will just be refashioned.) Major labels release records like movies. They're pre-sold with campaigns, and you know in most cases in a week, certainly a month, if they have legs. And most don't. Because, like I just stated, they're just not real.

So, you've got majors fighting over an ever-dwindling marketplace. And the lack of success they're having is blamed on the consumer, who has tuned out their game, isn't listening to terrestrial radio, thinks MTV is a joke, thinks even "Rolling Stone" is a joke.

The problem with the above paradigm, the major label paradigm, is breaking acts. It's just too damn expensive. The lawyers have to get paid, so they demand huge contracts. The records and videos have to be remade to perfection, in order to compete. It's like a supermodel competition. It's just that there are no slots for new acts. Oh, all the outlets say they want stars, but the only way to make an instant star is to overhype the act, which kills it.

So, in order to have success, in order to survive the ultimate disaster, you've got to play by different rules. You've got to give the music away.

We've established it's about breaking acts. We've established it's expensive to do so in the major label way, and the acts end up being laughable bland pussies. So how are YOU gonna compete?

By making the record cheaply.

That's how Dell succeeded. Drive down the price of parts, lower the cost to the consumer, reap market share and sales.

The records can't even cost $100,000.00. I'd say $50,000.00 must be the limit. A record at this cost sounds just about as good as the major label turkeys, and the audience doesn't hear the difference, they're just looking for something that RESONATES.

And it's the audience that's going to help you out, gonna break your band.

In the not too distant future, file-trading will be legal. People will pay to trade, and they won't get sued for doing so. This is going to be the major labels' savior. When they can reach more people at a lower aliquot cost per track. You've got to beat them to the punch. You've got to get your music in the system NOW!

How do you get your music in the system?

By giving away MP3s on your Website.

Every band should give away its whole album on its Website.

I KNOW, sounds RIDICULOUS!

But there are a couple of realities. One, some people...don't know you're giving the songs away, they buy the CD anyway.

Two, people who download the files often buy the CD. Doesn't make sense, I know. And it won't happen forever, the CD's days are numbered. But, they want better sound, they want the photos and lyrics, and they want a piece of what they believe in.

You can't believe in a file. You need something TANGIBLE! That you can HOLD ON TO! Like a T-SHIRT!

THAT'S what the CD is now, a t-shirt.

Oh, let's say you lose some sales. To people who only need the file. But now, your audience is MUCH LARGER, and ultimately you sell more CDs.

It's economic reality. The more people who hear something, the more you sell.

And you can't hear good new music on terrestrial radio. So, people go to the Web and discover things, which they then tell OTHERS about!

Doesn't matter where you hear it first, where you get wind of something. I mean you must seed the system somehow. You've got some reasonable print, Websites like pitchforkmedia.com, satellite radio, Internet radio... ALL of these outlets take a chance. Get somebody to say SOMETHING good about your record or better yet, PLAY IT! If it's good, people will research it. They'll Google the act. And then they'll download the files from the Website. And become fans. And one thing about fans, they spread the word.

Let's look at the way it is now. It's almost impossible to hear good new music. But, when you do, you go to the band's Website, where AT BEST, you can stream some songs. You MIGHT tell friends to go to the Website, but streaming is ultimately unsatisfying, you want to possess the tracks, you want to put them on your iPod, you want to e-mail them to your friends. But, you CAN'T DO THIS if the tracks aren't THERE! You hit a dead end. It's like being back in the sixties. You have to tune into XM to hear the same song again, and that could be MONTHS! Oh, you load your P2P software, but the files have to start somewhere, if the band is obscure, the songs usually AREN'T THERE!

But if the songs are free on the Website, then they end up in your iTunes library, then they're shared when you load your P2P software, then people peek into your hard drive after finding you've got similar tastes and they take the tracks of this band they've HEARD OF, but have never actually heard.

The major labels could employ this technique. They should actually. But it doesn't square with their philosophy... Come into the light, give the tracks away RIGHT UP FRONT, on the WEBSITE!
...

The guys in charge have never used P2P, never surfed the Web for hours, they dictate it must be the way it's always been. Middle management loves its salaries and the bottom level workers, the young 'uns who are conversant with reality? They either drink the kool-aid to maintain their jobs, or get fired or quit. I mean who can work at such a...  PLACE??

...This isn't about giving away music, this is about breaking bands. People have to be exposed to the music SOMEHOW! If you don't seed the system, HOW WILL THEY?

SoundScan new bands. If radio doesn't go on them, they can sell under 1,000 records. After all that investment.

Please. Every one of you new and developing acts. Whether you're selling on CDBaby or are signed to a major. Give your music away. It'll give you a leg up on the competition. It will allow people to spread the word. It will build your act.

And one thing we know about successful acts, fans will give them ALL their money.

You can find out more about Bob Lefsetz by searching for him on the web.  Let me know what you think about what he has to say...I think he makes alot of sense, don't you?  I mean, I doubt many DIY'ers can afford to actually GIVE away their music, but I think the research is there to back up the idea...the more you give away the better your chances are of increasing your fan base, which will allow you to tour more and thus get closer to that ever elusive career in music.  Anyway, I thought I'd share his thoughts with you...he's a fascinating and often controversial man...

 

receipts...

Has anyone noticed how long receipts have been getting?  It used to be your receipt stated what you purchased, where and when and maybe included the phone number of the place you purchased your item(s).  For example, the local Whole Foods here keeps it's receipt fairly straight and to the point, it lists the name of the store, the items I purchased, the way I paid for the items, the date of my purchase, and the store's phone number.  That's it.  Nothing more.  Simple and to the point.  Length of receipt:  6 inches.

Compare that to the receipts I've been getting at Harris Teeter:  same amount of stuff as the receipt from Whole Foods, but they include a section on how much I've saved with my "VIC" card, a section on the "Picnic Trolley Week", some promotion involving Edy's Ice Cream and Haagen Daz, a thank you note and a self promotional blurb that says Harris Teeter has given over $6 million dollars to our local school system, or something to that effect.  Total receipt length:  12 inches.  ONE FOOT!

But the winner of all receipts has gotta be Target.  Not only do they match the length and type of info provided on the Harris Teeter receipt, they add on a "Super Target" coupon (5.75 inches) and a survey, "Haganos Saber" (Let us know) where you can win money and prizes for just calling a phone number or logging onto a website with your special User Id and Password ((5.5 inches).  All this adds up to a whopping size receipt that measures in at almost 2 feet!  Keep in mind, I'm only purchasing like 5 items here.  Receipt size has gotten out of hand and I'm bound and determined to do something about it. 

First of all, I'm ripping off the non-essential parts of my receipts from places like PF Changs (they do the survey thing on their receipts too), Target and Harris Teeter and leaving them at the counter or table of the establishment from which I've made my purchase.  Second of all, I'm writing this blog so that the 5 of you that read this can spread the word for me.  Third, I'm taking a vacation from big stores and corporations that believe in the "big receipt" philosophy and taking my money to stores like Whole Foods.  Fourth, I'm taking a real vacation and going back to Missouri, where I'm hoping that my obsessive streak will diminish a bit while I'm gone.  Fifth, I will return to North Carolina with a renewed sense of purpose and hopefully have forgotten about this whole nonsense.  In the meantime, feel free to

tell me about your last shopping experience at Target and you'll have a chance at winning a Toshiba 42" Plasma HDTV valued over $5000 AND a $1000 Target GiftCard!!!!:

Log on to www.target.com/ survey

User ID: 7479  1812 8992

Password:  475 639

(If you win some prizes, please let me know.  Thanks.)